Whatever

Dear Diary,

Tired week at work... But somehow getting the hang of it. :) I don't quite care if anyone likes or don't like my entries. Its my virtual diary. A place for me to vent my frustrations or share my happiness if I have... If you don't like what i write you can stop viewing my blog.

"If you outgrew me, if you wanted something more. I would understand that. I promised I wouldn’t stand in your way if you wanted to leave me."

Sad with someone's remark last week in regards to the posts not J. I jus wanna let it out and feel better. Can't i even do that? Or you rather see me getting more depressed as the days pass me by? Oh ya you won't understand, you can't... As I said that was meant to close the chapter and move on.

Anyway received sms from JS, end up having a conversation with him at night. He was kinda drunk.... Must you drink when you are not happy? Heard with my own ear from you that actually the day after we broke off you and her got together. My gosh I wish I didnt know haha but anyway it does not matters anymore... But still thank you for telling the truth. Treat her well and all the best.

Thought I would feel damm jia lat during or after the call but nope I didnt. Guess I'm much better le. :) Maybe due to more work load keep my mind off things and company of friends keeping me busy. Oh ya and the "shuai" customers I get to see from time to time... hahahha Everyday like not enough sleep haha! OK time to play my CO again...


Ries

Follow Up on my previous entry

Dear Dairy,

After reading through Jane's blog, going through things he told me when they were together, I felt sad. The things that he has done when he was with her without her knowing. The sad thing is I only jus got to see her blog recently in Jan '09.

I met a monster, fell in love with him, accepting him as he is, loving him regardless of what he told me he has done in his past. He gradually became the Mr Big in my life. I stood by him, encouraged him, I didnt give us up. The diff between SATC story plot and mine, Mr Big of mine does not even have the courage to make things right when he realized he has wronged. He may blog about it to declare to the whole whole he is sorry to gain sympathy so that he can move on to his new chapter of relationship. Mr Big in show was much better, he had failed in his marriage, he is scared, things got out of hand, he ran away but when he realized what he had done, he tried to make things better. In twilight, Edward left in book 2 in oder to protect Bella but returned when he realized he was not doing any good to both of them. You were not my Mr Big neither were you my Edward... Never ever mentioned again to any other girls that you are like Mr Big, "You've got it" cos you really don''t.

Your bestfriend don't even know of me, how could that even hapeen when you claimed to have spoke to her about me. Told me you were grounded by your dad and even when you get a job, you have to head back home after work. Then how come my friends saw you outside with another woman, how much you could meet up your ex flings or even go out so often now? You jus wanted to get rid of me...

Do you know that I don't even know why we ended our relationship. You never did explain why you choose to throw the towel first. Because you wanted me to be happier? As you could not provide commitment or you fear of letting me down? Then why the hell are you in another relationship again? I realized how little I actually mean to you.

You lied, cheated, stole my heart and I wish I could hate you for that but I cant. Foolish me or Sillygirl like you always said. Now you are using it on her right?

I can fully understand now why when we first got together you warn me of getting msgs from ur ex gfs or flings and asked about my reactions if I received them. You know, seriously I was contemplating to do it to her or not. Tell her what a jerk you could be. After much debating within myself, the angel won and so I won't. Hopefully you will really hold on to your promises to her. All the best to your new relationship.

Jane said you will understand if you put yourself in her shoes, you mentioned in your blog singing Jay's song you understood. But I really doubt it, you can never ever really understand the shit I'm going through.

Closing the chapter and moving on in my life. Its tough but I have to push myself to...

Work, go out, tired myself out and then sleep. Thats my life now. Pretty normal, I guess.


Ries

Jane & RET

Jane~ "What did i do wrong? Do i deserve this kinda treatment right now? I understand that u are going thru a tough time right now. All i wanna do is be there for u as a gf, and yet u choose to shut me out totally! What must i do to get ur attention? Must i get myself landed in the hospital before u care. Or probably u dun even care. i really dun wanna add anymore burden to u during this period. I just wanna lend u a shoulder like how you would lend it to me. perhaps im really dispensable in ur life. U promised to nv make me cry, and yet i have crying all day bcos i'm worried bout u. and the crying gets worse when u are totally ignoring me, like i nv exist. i'm jus another useless gf."

RET~ Everyone is dispensable to him except for himself. His promises made were meant to be broken.

Jane~ "Silly it may sound, but i leave him smses everyday even tho he doesnt reply at all. i was hoping he replied at least a take care when i told him i wasn't feeling well last nite. Nothing... nothing came in. nothing at all. so here i am cryin, worsening my fever. I love to cry! for its the only way i let out my frustration. I rather exchange my emotional pain to physical pain, really. for now, I have to carry on pretending to the whole family that i'm alright."

RET~ His concerns for himself is far too big for him to see that besides himself others are suffering too.

Jane~ "All i need is just 3 words to let me know you are still mine, as easy as " i love u". Yet i got an sms, with 3 words that end everything: "lets break up". I know how tough things is going on with u, all i wanna do is be there for u as a gf. U are not the only one tearing. U are nt the only one hiding in the toilet tearing. I love u and i totally respect ur decision. No matter how hard i try to tell u im there for u, u never comes to me. All i can do now is think bout all those future plans that we have made. for once, things was still sweet afterall. i duno how long im gonna take to bring myself up again. im too tired."

RET~ Running away from his promises when the road gets tough without noticing that the one fighting to walk the path besides him is already wounded badly by him. Very him indeed...

Jane~ "Sometimes things are easier to be said than done. i ended up crying the whole nite til my eyes are sore and swollen like a GOLDFISH now! thats the only healthy way i can let it out. thanks to those who offered to take me out for a breather, to those who give me endless encouragement, to those who lend me a shoulder to cry on and of cos to my babes who are always there for me. it's gonna be a tough war between me and our memories, tho it was just 3 short months of memories. JIA YOU to you for your work, to your dad's health and to ur nx one[which im very sure u have no lack of)"

RET~ Yes I'm sure he has no lack of... Recently he is happily attached again shortly after his last broke off...

Jane~ "U think that its the right choice because u think that i will be happier. Put urself into my shoes now, u will know how terrible it is. I'm not an unreasonable person, with the kind of issues that is going on in ur life. I'm more than willing to put our relationship on hold if we have talked it out. Nothing that i say is important now, caused u have left. and left a scar that will never heal. Nobody knows what you are thinkin, you know it best."

RET~ The easiest way out for him is to dump away all kinds of commitment. So he can jus concentrate on himself. Then when he feels better, he will jus move on to prey again, work his same old moves again and repeating his steps all over again. To you, to me, to the new her maybe... I hope not.

Above was taken from Jane's blog Not her true identity. I wanted to write something about my last relationship and came across hers. 80% of what I wanted to say was posted out by her months back in 2008 when she was with him.

Good Bye 2008 Hello to 2009

Dear Diary,

Yesterday afternoon, still deciding to go out or to stay home end up in the evening I agreed to go to a countdown event at Yuhua CC at the same time to know a new HK lady, Irene. Very nice lady, thou I cant really speak canto but I can understand them, not so chim ones thou. :D She speaks a bit of mandrian as well so not too much of prob there. Mus brush up my canto b4 I fly over to find her in 2009 for shopping and my fave SMELLY TOUFU.

From the faces there, you can see that they are happily waiting to count down to 2009. I tried to joined in and feel happy but seems so hard. Apparently, I have been trying hard to keep myself from tearing the whole time. Year 2008 ended with a slightly better note all thanks to my new work friends fun & helpful bunch of girls but over all it was still a sad year for me.

Thanks to all my dear friends that kept me going when I was at my lowest. Esp people like
My bro WX & dearest pal Yan who knows when I emo too much slaps the hell out of me. Thank you for the time you guys spent with me, helping me go thru it...
Supporting friends like Jeff, Alvin, Axl and QuiBing who encourages and lift my sprirts up when I needed.
Ian & Ivan for your advise when I needed point of view from guys' side. Appreciate your advises.
My dearest Cousin Cas, at this point of time looking out for suitable candidates for me. hahaha Thanks for your tips!

I love you all!!! ok cannot continue le gotto go meet my HK friend Irene for dinner. After dinner I will come back and write on something that I have been pushing away to write.

Ries

Xmas Eve 2008

Dear Diary,

I had planned to rot at home to play CO since I didnt plan anything except for unless my boss and Jeff really wanna play Mahjong... Seriously I jus didnt have the mood to do anything...

How ironic it is when i recalled how much I was looking forward for Xmas when I simply dread it this year. No, I shd say I kinda dread festive sessions nowadays. The only perk it gives, when a rest day from office.

Anyway back to xmas eve, well last min there were so called changes to Yan's xmas celebration and asked me to plan something. Thus I did a fast and simple one, steamboat at AMK and after that prob movie or mahjong. Invited Toh & his cute gf, DJ Moo Moo & Liang but Liang didnt make it. Had fun during the steamboat, see the video below. Pics are with Yan, haven gotten them all transferred over (lazy me). But its in his facebook http://www.new.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/album.php?aid=2013163&id=1019927671

The cute couple left after steamboat leaving the three cranky ones to catch movie, gosh 115am show... haha by the time we finished steamboat, it was only ard 10pm. So we went to play game, no no Yan play game we watch. Following that, we went to play pool. The counter fella seems to know I got prob whith long tables so told me straight, I got the smaller table one, you wanna take, no need to wait? The place was full and had waiting list. I didnt wanna wait... So grab la. Yan won 2 rounds and me 2 rounds too so fair fair.... So went for movie aft that, Beadtime Story, nice... Oh last part ended with a "SupperBreakfast" @ Mac before heading home. Such a sinful day. LOL

Lastly, Thank you Yan for the xmas gift and Rei for helping him to shop for one. Love it. :)

Ries

My Birthday Gifts

Dear Diary,

Top Pic: Gift from Bro Wenxian

2nd Pic: Gift from Ian

3rd Pic: Gift from Jem, Ben & Colin

4th Pic: Gift from AC

Putting up pics of the gifts I received from my dear ones. I wanna say a big thank you to all who remembered my birthday, I really appreciate the wishes and gifts. Especially a dear frd of mine who accompanied me on a short "get-away" trip after my birthday as I was feeling rather down.

This year I didnt really have a Happy Birthday. I thought I could have one but it didnt turn out to be so. I was caught up in the mess of my r/s problem...

You said that you will plan for me, you wont let me feel lonely, you will invite lots of frds to celebrate the occasion with me.... Asking me to trust you and yet you only managed to sms "Happy Birthday." Even my pri sch gf does better "Dear, happy birthday!" See the diff?

This year, I didnt have cake, steamboat, ktv session, bbq, chalet, nothing much actually. On the day itself, I went to meet Bro Wenxian for a show and a simple dinner at marina sq food court. Thanks bro! At least I didnt stay at home and jus sleep it through haha!

Ries

P.S. Very touched when my mum sms me Happy Birthday (she don really know how to use her phone) and when my dad called to jus tell me Happy Birthday. I love you both so much!